Self Care: The Gift That Keeps On Giving
This morning I was reminded of an interesting chat I had in the car with my daughter a couple of years ago - just before her fifth birthday.
I’m not sure where she comes up with these things, but the conversation went something like this:
“Mommy, who do you care about more: me or you?”
My own mother’s reply would have been a resounding, “You! Of course. YOU!”
I had to think carefully about my answer.
“Well, that’s a tricky question," I said.
“Of course I care about you - but I care about me, too! What would happen if I cared about you and didn’t care about me?”
“You’d get broken.”
“That’s right. And how would I take care of you if I was broken?”
“You couldn’t.”
“You got it. I care about me because I care about you. Get it?”
“I got it.”
I was amazing at taking care of myself before I became a mother — before I had anyone else to take care of! Alone time was one of my favorite things and treasuring simple pleasures was what I did best. For many years before husband and babies, my favorite place was camped out by the window of a bookstore or coffee shop: reflecting, creating and connecting with myself.
But somehow, when motherhood came along, I quickly defaulted to Martyr Mom - putting everyone’s needs above my own. I got terrible sleep, made no time for myself, became stressed out, overwhelmed, resentful of my husband, and short-tempered with my kids.
And no wonder, right?!
“Self care” wasn’t popularized in our culture until the 2010s. With the rise of social media content and apps focused on mindfulness, fitness and mental health, we suddenly began to realize what we were missing.
Many of our mothers didn’t grow up with role models who prioritized their own wellbeing, and for the most part, neither did we.
But now that we know stress kills, it makes sense to minimize it by prioritizing something as simple as meeting our needs, right?
It’s taken a lot of time and intention, but over the past couple of years, I’ve been finding my way back to me. A new and improved version of myself that prioritizes my own health and wellbeing, sets boundaries, communicates my needs, celebrates my strengths and gives myself grace.
There is nothing more important for our kids than taking care of their mom. Fill your cup and let everything overflow onto your family.
Below is a quick recap of the most impactful habits I’ve been building on my self-care journey. I hope some of these ideas will inspire you to ease into what feels like a good fit for yours.
1. Wake up earlier than my kids
A couple of years ago, merely suggesting this might have invited the threat of a knuckle sandwich (just kidding! well, sort of). I was so incredibly sleep deprived that the thought alone would have felt like torture. Nowadays, I love waking up around 6am to get some quiet time before the kids wake up. It sets the tone for my entire day.
2. Drink two glasses of water when I wake up.
We all know the benefits of water for our bodies. I loooove my coffee (which I delight in after the water!) but something about having the water first starts my day on the right foot. It’s a simple thing that makes me feel like I’m doing something good for myself. It makes me want to do more good things.
3. Walk barefoot in the grass.
As the kids say, “touch grass”.
I haven’t read the research on this, but I can tell you that when I drink my water and then head out the back door to let the cool dewy grass poke through my toes for a minute, it brings me joy. And I want to do more good things for myself.
4. Plant seeds and grow a garden.
Step three on a spring morning is to walk from the grass over to the little planter boxes on our driveway where we have a couple of dozen seedlings growing: tomatoes, cucumbers, bell peppers, sweet peas, basil and cilantro – as well as some lemon and blueberry seeds I’m hoping to see pop up.
Checking on these little guys while my kids are asleep (and often a few more times throughout the day) is an instant pick-me-up. I love that with a bit of care (and no back talk) they are thriving. My efforts have already been handsomely rewarded. A great reminder that good things take time.
Free to Learn author, Peter Gray, wrote about his love for gardening just this week on his Substack - while you’re there, check out the whole stack!
5. Write morning pages.
I have a collection of “pen to paper therapy” books from the past 30 years. I’ll do a separate post another time about all the reasons why I journal and how it’s helped me navigate my life, but right now I’ll stick to suggesting you try a few simple morning pages if that sounds like something you’d enjoy.
It’s habit I do more frequently in the colder months, when I wake up early and don’t have a garden to peek in on or green grass to awaken my senses. I was never a morning writer, or even a person who did journal writing at home, but when I came across Julia Cameron’s Write for Life, it just seemed to make sense to try doing it then.
As she suggests, “The pages clear my head and prioritize my day. I think of them as a potent form of meditation. There is no wrong way to do the pages. You simply keep your hand moving across the page, writing down anything and everything…”.
I also love Julia’s analogy of the pages feeling like windshield washers on your brain – bringing what matters into focus. When my mood calls for it, and time allows, my days go better when they start at my desk with a 15 minute brain dump.
6. Listen to personal playlists.
Besides my kids, nothing can turn my day upside down like uninvited songs making their way into my head space. This is one of the only things I've been doing since long before I was a mom and will do until the day I die: curate soundtracks for my life.
I have a Spotify morning playlist, a couple of afternoon and car options and one I listen to almost every evening. While the same songs might be monotonous for some, I have very few things in my life that are predictable, and playing this music, even just in the background, is what keeps me sane.
Whatever your jam is, give yourself the gift of listening to it every day. Both of our kids have their own playlists, too. And when we’re in the car together, they get to take turns playing their own songs.
7. Move & strengthen my body.
For many years when the kids were babies, I had no interest in taking a walk by myself. Everything felt like too much effort and to be honest, I don’t think I remembered how to enjoy my own company. Nowadays, it’s my favorite thing. An evening walk with a podcast or a walk to the gym to do a little strength training gives me more energy – the way it’s supposed to.
p.s. here’s a recommendation for your next walk from the Mel Robbins podcast: It’s Not You: The Reason Adult Friendship is So Hard and 3 Ways to Make it Easier
8. Create something beautiful.
My life is infinitely better when I’m making something. Whether it’s taking photos on a walk, creating a post for social media, documenting a fun family event or cutting and arranging some flowers from our garden – nothing gives me a quick lift like the opportunity to exercise my creativity.
If you’re a creative soul without an outlet right now, find yours! Your endorphins will thank you :)
9. Learn something new.
Circling back to the podcast suggestion, I can’t think of a better, faster more enjoyable way to learn about anything than a podcast or audiobook. I indulge every opportunity to listen on a range of topics from homeschooling and unschooling to online marketing, health, time management, neuroscience and allergies.
And if you saw my little post the other day, you know how tickled I was when this happened:
10. Curate my social feed for inspiration.
We know that all screen time is not created equal – and neither are all social accounts! What a difference it makes to remove the things you follow that don’t serve you and open up your feed to pure inspiration.
I used to follow a few homeschooling accounts that were more divisive and posting mostly for shock value – and opening my accounts to those posts never made me feel good. Simply removing those accounts and tagging others as favorites (click “following” on their profile and select “add to favorites” so they show up first in my feed) made such an impactful change in my experience.
If you’re looking for some inspirational accounts to follow, here are a handful I’m enjoying these right now (loving the IG stories!):
The best reward for taking good care of myself? Better sleep knowing I’m modeling the right things for my kids. In leading by example, I’m teaching them to prioritize themselves and know their worth, so they can become the best version of themselves.
And isn’t that why we’re all here?